my boots were heavy from the mud id been running in, and no where i could run would ever hid me from him. the neon lights on the run down bar seemed to call to me and i gave in with nothing better to do. the girl who stood there looked so very familiar and the smell of smoke and beer helped me feel. at home. i waited for the spirit to take its hold so i could drown all my fears and get away from here. sometimes i think of all the places i could be but i forget that ill still be stuck with me. in my hotel room is where i finally found God, on the floor with the barrel in my mouth and no one whispering in my ear. ive got my finger on the trigger and im praying.
im not sure why im here or why im kneeling or even talking to the ceiling. it seems all too wrong. but i know, right now theres nothing else to do. nothing left to prove. and right now it doesn’t matter how much i don’t believe in you. this tone is higher then i can hear and i cant understand the note (or is it understood? i don’t know.) either way im uncomfortable with speaking cause my jaw is out of place and you haven’t had time to fix it. im not sure what youre waiting to see but i don’t think youre looking at me. (or can you even see?) im tired of thinking that one day it’ll go my way and one day maybe ill try to stay away, but for now ill keep looking for my bridge. keep looking for something to cure me of my itch. the only thing i know to feel is whatever it is im faking. just like you. exactly like you. o god, you shepherd to the lost. why don’t you find me, and cut me free. ive broken bread and im torn in two, but those i hate you’ve given fruit and you’ve softened their bed. im scared im talking to no one because i don’t hear an answer and nothing i ask for is appearing. and it seems so useless. i cant do the one thing i need to and its eating me whole. and god i don’t think youre f**ked up sense of humor is funny anymore. i know you think i needed a wake up call, but i was just resting not sleeping at all. i wish you could have just left her be, and i wish you could’ve left me to breathe. i wanna know why ive become increasingly aware of all the blinders i have on. and all the walls that ive been writing on. have they been permanently marked or can i erase them and try to find the start? when i die will you leave me there with all i hoped i could’ve done or will you take me and release me from all of myself that ive let down? the next time im afraid of death im gonna scream your name. not in prayer, not in humble adoration but with my teeth slowly grinding. spitting blasphemy from every inch of me. the spirit that i heard you left me with, decided to pack his bags and take his leave. so i killed him. and im just waiting for you. amen.