How I Feel
its autumn now, but only just. and with the cold comes just a little more lust. its hard to say where its coming from (though i know its not from body or touch.). any other year id tell you, this is what i love the most, stuck at home with a fire and a wife but it’s shit. and im fucked. and that’s just life. im stuck, alone. and that’s all that i know. you could say i grew up in this room, but i moved in last year. it has more to do with knowing more and being that much colder (and in pain) then it does with being one year older. its got a little more to do with who ive seen, and who i watched leave then it does growing out of clothes and ripping my sleeve. when i left my home, my dad, drunk as he was, would always tell me. youll love me when you leave. he was right. right now i wish i could just see. and right now i wish he would just kick me. its more at home then ill ever be and it’s the most love i guess ill ever receive. my wife, god bless her rotting soul, was found in the dirt with the car crushing her skirt. lifeless, white and stale. im sure she’s just the same still. and im sure i live the same. she was the love of my life, and i hated her, though i don’t know why. every time i think about her i want to cry. and i do. and i don’t care. the day of her death my neighbor called, interrupting me staring at my desk. how are you? in monotone. they asked. how are you? is such an overwhelming arching question. its scary that youd ask me to tell you and im not sure how to answer. are you asking out of pity or deceit? or do you really care, as you sit there. grinning. my mind is going and i cant catch up to say anything worth repeating so i say, im fine. and keep on running. but i lied. and all this time that i should be running off my mouth im just picturing. im standing in his face, screaming and spitting. and he’s cringing.
im scared. but not of you, you yellow bastard. she always used to say theres never enough time to sleep in a day but she’s doing it right, and i hope im not far behind. and its weighing down my ankles and its ripping off my feet. and every time i try to walk i stumble on myself and have nothing left to catch me. im hopeless because the one that got me through, is done and gone, and now im wrong and theres nothing to do. i dont want to give up what i need to let go. and youre out of your mind if you think itll slow me down. and youre out of your mind if you think itll change me.
im hurting. because theres no harmony and this melody is way too fast. and im not playing it right. the only thing i can think of is the day you were dressed in white (but it feels like it was a dream). and the way the pastor spoke “i do” as if he knew that it would die and how something would come between you and i. but i just remembered that now. i was deaf back then. the lights were swaying with the movement of the wind. and every gust hit me a little harder till we were dancing hand in hand. goddamn i miss that day, and the smile on your face. its strange how life will throw us memories in hopes of kickstarting dreams but it fails. at least for me. but i digress…
im broke and on my ass and ive cussed all my family out, and the only god who loved me, stood me up and ran away. and i don’t blame him, why would he stay? some days i feel they care a little but mostly im afraid, that im worthless and speaking to no one, and writing my journals just to keep me alive. i write them as letters as if someone will read them, and come and take away my children, but its all in my head, and i know it. so till all my life is sorted out and packed away, and all my debts have been paid, and all the pain has decayed, ill behave. but stay the fuck away.
im fine, i said. im fine.