Journal (Pt. 1)
theres no rhyme or reason in love or treason. theres feelings and thats what ive got. but i forgot how to love and only know how to be a traitor and ive betrayed her. this journal is spotty at best, but it helps keep me at rest and it’s the only thing that knows how ive grown. and it’s the only one who ive shown what i know (or what i thought that i did), or all the questions i have, and all the things ive found out, and everything ive come to doubt. god i pray every day and i have plenty to say but im not sure its working, or im not sure im looking. i expect the worst and that’s what i get and its a shock, like its something new or something thats broke. and it hurts just the same.
today it rained. right now life’s simple, but im not sure how long itll last. my head is spinning in time with the movement in yours and it makes no sense. my chords are tangled cause i tried to wrap them myself. and when i was young. back when i thought i was strong. back when i wasn’t being played and the wires from my hands and feet were new. back when i hadn’t yet fallen in love with you.
its still pouring, and i guess its still fitting but today seems so much better. im running out of alcohol and its causing me to worry and to pray that a friend will bring me more. the spirits keeping me going, and at this point keeping me warm. we’ll see how long this lasts. ill keep writing.
today someone knocked on the door and immediately ran away. and it ruined my day cause i needed a smile. its getting towards winter and im getting older and i feel like im starting to go blind. yesterday a friend of mine, whos already lost his mind, walked up in broad daylight to murder a man. and he did, and he doesn’t regret it because he doesn’t know. at least one side doesn’t. and that just doesn’t cut it. he came over last week just to ask for a drink but ive been out for quite some time. i could tell something was wrong, but couldnt say what. and now it all makes sense. i saw him today at the bottom of the lake. the cops blamed it on his brakes, but i know better. because i was friends with him. or with one of him at least.