i. am. nothing.
i started a fight last night and i got my teeth kicked in. i feel better now, but i think i look like sh*t. and its not how a preacher should be. looking like this, giving gods (whatever i feel like) message, who would listen to me? i cant tell you how much pain i feel when i put on all my robes. theyre heavy and they weigh me down. but im not showing it because they can’t know how it feels. i sit behind the screen in the box and listen to their sins. but theyre so much better than me. and i hate it.
last night i put a hole through my door and i don’t have money to fix it. people think they can peek right through just to see what it is im doing. but i hide, because i don’t want them to see me. you see. i. am. nothing. and you keep me on your finger like a fake f*cking ring. i dont shine, i don’t glisten. and you sure as sh*t aren’t proud of me. i beg you to keep me around but i think you just feel pitty. but its not mine, i mean, i don’t want it. keep it for yourself, you need it more than me. you’ve told me that some you love and some days no. but that’s not love, no matter how much you say it is. so i picked up this pen as i sit in our sin and i dont give a damn. im saying goodbye.
i hate you. and its plain and goddamn simple. i could dress it up with some pretty words but that sentence does it justice. my god once said that he’d always be with us, but i think i stole him from you. or at least that’s what i tried to do. so if your life all of a sudden takes a miserable lonely turn, you’ll know why. and i hope you scream. i hope you cry. im tired feeling like the only one who notices, when im failing, when im trying. and i wish you could look up for a moment to see all of life your missing. but you cant. and i wont watch. ive given my life to serve a religion that i don’t even really believe. why would i also put my faith in a woman that doesn’t f*cking love me. i guess that’s ironic. oh well. i left you some money so you could spend it on yourself, but more furniture and clothes cant hold all your ghosts, i promise. i hope you know.
i imagined that this letter would be longer but now im drunk, so i have nothing left to say.
im sorry. goodbye.