Journal (Pt. 2)
its been a long winter but the new year just started and im hoping it brings a new color to the depression of these past few years (or is it months?) last night i was sober for the first time in weeks but i felt drunk because its something im not used to and i don’t think i want to. i may want to kill everything in sight the next morning after that night but its nice to forget for just a few hours all that ive been running from and what all these tears are for.
today i had my first affair, and i think its something i could get used to. sure i had to pay for my pleasure but it’s the first time in forever and the wife is always busy (f*ck her). i had the opportunity to share what ive been feeling no matter if she cared or not. it made me feel better and it’s a happiness i had recently forgot. as she sat there naked staring at me like i should be too, i slowly explained all the hate that has been inside me. and i took it out on her. and i didn’t say sorry, and she didn’t ask me too. i wanted to whisper, i love you, but i don’t think it would’ve been true.
its been 6 months and up until last night id seen her every day. shed replaced my wife and the love of my life and become both of those, or in my head at least. she swallowed all my lies and took all my lines but it doesn’t help me anymore, so i need to keep writing. its strange to me that a book that only i will see is the most helpful piece of wisdom i think i could ever read. and its strange to think that the pain subsides more when i write so i can see it then when i tell someone and try to violently shake it out of me.