today i preached a sermon, on caring and forgiveness. i hadn’t planned on it earlier this week, but last night i thought it was fitting. i knew you’d be visiting and i thought maybe you’d hear it in between the moans and groans and pains that youre always screaming. i started with a prayer that took a lot of courage to finish. asking for patience, grace, and mercy for the one that doesn’t deserve it. while i preached my sermon and spoke my words, i looked hard for your face to see your response. and i found it. it wasn’t so much that you were mad at what i was saying, but you grinned like you’ve never done anything wrong. like im the one that’s caused all the problems and was the reason that you decided to break it off. i understand that im the one who cheated first, and im sorry. ive said it a thousand times. i know that’s not enough, but im not sure what you want from me and im not sure what else i can do. as i stood there in my robes, with jesus staring down at me i stared and tried to say all that with just a look. i tried to drag the message out to give her every chance to understand, but i don’t think it changed anything. that stubborn bitch. after it was over, i shook hands saying, thanks god bless you. i saw her coming closer and forgot how to speak my words and fumbled when i saw her and just said, fuck you. but she didn’t hear me. she was busy laughing with him, and never seemed to look away. as she walked farther and farther away, it hit me in my chest. i miss her. its not more complicated than that. we’ve treated each other like shit, and never bothered to apologize. and i miss her still and i love her still and its driving me stark, raving, mad. i can’t think with a smile anymore, like the world’s so happy and ive got everything to live for. ive lied enough and i can’t do it anymore. but i couldn’t preach that because its not a sermon and it would only hurt her. and i can’t and i won’t. and i still love her. ive already started to think about what im going to say next week, not that i care about it, but it gives me something to do. its something to take my mind off of all the shit that’s happening. its funny though, that’s what i think going into it, but once i start to write my words out, they hit me right away. my parents always told me that obedience led to blessing and i foolishly always believed them. its taken me years but i finally understand that they’re wrong and they’ve known it all along. blessings don’t come as a result of anything. they’re all just chance and luck. and pain, doesn’t need any help. its always on its way. and its coming with intentions to stay. im not sure who above us picks the victims, but they don’t see circumstances at all. and it doesn’t make sense. its never made sense. it wont ever make sense.