at this point im not sure how to end this, or whether i even should. i cant focus enough on what i know is true to decide which one it is. i guess tonight ill figure it out. i hope. its appropriate, i think, that i come clean about what ive been doing. you’ve asked, but i had to lie before because i didn’t want to hurt your feelings or scare you. but you know about me now, and i think you’ve earned it. its true that youre gone, but i wonder if youll still be able to read it. up on your thrown, somewhere above me. you’ve always made me feel so little.
the entire time i wrote this journal you thought i was writing a novel. yes you. right under your perfect little nose i dictated every stupid thing you said, and every selfish thing you did. it killed me but i finished and now im telling the whole world, even though your gone and even though they wont know who you are. i tried to preach it in a sermon but i couldn’t quite get out the words and when i fumbled on my writing they just laughed and left me alone. im still not sure where god is or why he left me stranded at home, but im starting not to care because ive gotten myself here and ive done it all alone. most important im glad youre dead because i don’t have to feel guilty. i can keep on living like i was before when you were still here and not have to look behind my back to try and catch you watching. after we ruined our lives and destroyed all our happiness, i had to wait around patiently to watch as you played me for the fool. when you thought that you could excuse yourself from telling the whole truth by telling just enough of it. when you thought that you could yell in my face for something you thought i did, and then turn around and promise me something that you knew would never come true. when you said you were an addict and you knew you had a problem and that you were definitely going to stop, but couldn’t. you just switched drugs to one that made you happier. (its said that the first step is admitting, but id much rather have watched you quit. but this is just as good i guess.) when you hated me for always sending you flowers but ate him up because he could buy you happiness. when you whispered your side to the ones you thought were close, but failed to mention what youd done, and how id been provoked. when you told me that you loved me. and i believed you.
i’ve tried to cry and feel sorry that youre gone, but at this moment i cant because you hurt me too much. its hypocritical i guess, because i did my fair share, but i meant to apologize, and it’s the thought that counts, right? i keep forgetting you won’t answer because you’re no longer here. and no matter what questions i ask or what favors i need, you aren’t listening cause you can’t hear me.